1. I like the idea of Morning Pages. I don't do it exactly but the first 30 mins I'm awake are totally phone free and news free. Sometimes I just sit in bed with my thoughts and let them run loose, other times I jot down a stray phrase or 2 in hopes that later I will remember what the hell I was talking about and can flesh it out by typing. I considered getting something purely for voice recording that doesn't have a screen so I'm not tempted to slip back into device-land.
2. Only reason I still have FB is because of the biz page connected to my IG (but now I honestly don't even remember why I needed it... maybe a scheduler I was using? idek...) and 1 design friend that lives in DMs there -_-
3. Awww Gab's little love notes in Figma <3 And being the head honcho is overrated when running a biz. Take shit off your plate, take a backseat. Not always running the show is sooooo nice.
4. That Seek app sounds dope! I've been into exploring joy for the past year or so. My framing around it has changed and I no longer just consider it what makes you superficially happy or make you smile. I won't ramble about it here but YAY TO JOY!
Welcome back and take your time easing into things
I can imagine you like a little investigative reporter speaking out your thoughts in the morning into a little recording device hehe.
I have a FB too but weirdly enough my FB is my least toxic social media platform. I follow like 3 people and a few naturalist pages and groups so generally its actually nice but there's almost no content there so I spent 0 time doomscrolling. I just check it out and then leave LOL.
I'd love to hear your rambles about joy some time! But I totally agree YAY TO JOY. A lot of this year has been reclaiming stuff I thought I couldn't "like" as an adult. It's been great!
Hey Emma I love that you're doing morning pages because I'm too :D truly the most useful tool out of the book, aside from general reflections around journaling.
Hope you feel better soon, I relate a lot to the fear of doing the thing you used to be able to do easily. I'm glad substack is a long term goal and might get inspired by your leave from insta haha
I love morning pages! It was the best part of the Artist's way! I diligently completed 90% of the exercises but honestly I didn't get too much more out of them. Didn't suit me personally. I really love morning pages for helping me figure out stuff that's bothering me and stuff that I didn't even realize was bothering me!
I should know by Friday if I truly killed off the nasty little bacterias ruining my life for good this time haha! It's sort of a liminal space waiting to see if I get sick again. But I think this time I should be good. I honestly felt like leaving Insta would have to be this big affair where I post and make sure people know to come to Substack and yada yada and then when Insta started showing my posts to like 1% of my followers I was like FUCK IT WHO CARES. This app makes me miserable I'm just never coming back XD I check DMs occasionally on web browser (once or twice a week) but that's it. I made a list of all the accounts that I actually wanted to check up on (there were 20/350... lol) and bookmarked their accounts and now I just load up those tabs every now and then :) I also unfollowed everyone that didn't spark joy / was a random account because then if I do have to snoop back into the Instagram app for some moments at least my feed is attempted to be more peaceful.
Thank you for this, I really relate and am going to think about your tips! I too had started going back to the gym (well a yoga type class or swimming) after 4 years of no exercise only to be hit with illness. I'm so tired of cycling through short good periods and then burnout or illness :(. I'm on week 3 of a chest infection and my toddler is on something like week 5 or 6 of illness/chest infections.
I've turned down a few white label opportunities because *ego* wants to build my own business name hehe but you make such a valid point about the comfort that comes with not shouldering all the responsibility (I work part time in an agency). I know I need to quit instagram too, it takes too much energetically and barely gives back anything!
Honestly it SUCKS to be in the burnout cycle with exercise. I also have been in/out of it since March. I also got a bad cold back in the spring and lost all my progress again and then had finally gotten on the bandwagon again and was feeling stronger than ever before and super happy about my progress and then BAM knocked back down again. My partner says it's always easier to build back progress than start it from scratch but it still feels emotionally hard and frustrating to have your goals like literally just reset because of something you couldn't control.
I also deeply understand the ego part of the work. I've kinda had to seriously reckon with myself over this a few times now. The first time, I totally was living the pure "ego" life for years: I had this like part time job/freelance contract who would fly me around North America for work, I was going to conferences, I had stuff to brag about when people asked me what was going on with my job. By all means, I had the "idealized successful entrepreneur life" but two things were true:
1. I was spending a LOT of money and hurting my financial future on a mirage of success
2. I was deeply overworked, had no "life", had no idea of what I liked to do or who I was as a person outside of work, and I was deeply unhappy and unsatisfied with what I was doing.
In some ways breaking that off was easy: I knew I hated travelling all the time and about a year after I "fired" that client / quit (the relationship was hazy haha), covid hit so I probably would have been fired anyway. It's been harder this time, with actually getting covid completely throwing off what I felt was a very successful and fulfilling career trajectory of both running the green design course very actively and working with biotech alt-protein startups for branding. The business was making more money than ever and I was saving more money than ever. And getting covid just absolutely threw a wrench in a whole year and I think if I'm being honest it's easy to say "white labelling is cool and fun and easy now!" but I'm still processing and grieving I think some of those goals that I think I just don't have the capacity for any more. Especially in relation to the course I made and how much time and energy I can give to it. I have ideas for directions continuing in education for green design (definitely through this space and then offshoots) but I am deeply sad to realize that in some ways my life won't return to how it was before and accept that that is legitimately okay and it's okay to alter or shift big life goals. Easier said than done :')
I've been meaning to reply for ages, so sorry about that. I really appreciate that you have wrote such an in depth and honest/personal reply! I hope you are feeling a bit better these past few weeks since this though :)
Gosh yes your experience about doing something because it looked impressive but isn't actually making you happy goes to show doesn't it!
I'm sure you will get things back on track even if the path and destination is slightly different - your course is fantastic so in depth and great value for all that you provide too. And it's also totally valid to grieve a bit that things were forced to change.
What beautiful and honest writing Emma. Sorry to hear you are struggling with burnout, it is truly the worst. Being a business owner is a LOT to manage and I've certainly gone through tough periods myself. So much so that I've considered getting a full-time job and freelancing on the side for a bit more times than I can count. With student loans looming in the back of my mind at all times, even more so.
I've found that even working on projects that I enjoy can lead to burnout, especially when I overbooked myself a few months back. I'm finally starting to feel caught up and it really drained my motivation and energy.
Sounds like you have found some methods that work for you to get out of the rutt and I love the idea of morning pages — I don't consider myself to be a writer but there is always a lot on my mind throughout the day.
Spending time in nature has always been my happy place, so I always try to be intentional about stepping away from the screens and getting outside whenever possible.
Also forcing myself to do things with other people since I often work from home alone most days. Going to at least one social even each month — could be volunteering at a community garden, professional networking, design meetup, popup event, really anything that sparks your interest. By being brave and getting out of my introverted bubble I've found that I can push out of my comfort zone and find joy in the little victory of putting myself out there. Sometimes these events lead to work, new friends, professional connections, or just good conversations. You might not find a group that fits for you every time but getting out there helps me feel proud that I accomplished something and pushed past my anxieties. If I'm being honest, it also helps me feel like I'm not alone, especially going to events with other business owners.
Thanks for putting this together and pushing yourself to publish. You are not alone and you are doing great things. Just take it one day at a time.
Aw thank you so much Renee. I honestly was writing this and was like "Well, I feel I can't say what I really want to but hopefully this is close enough" so your comment really made me feel happy and emotional!
Being a business owner seriously is a huge shoulder of responsibility, and usually you know, it's okay: every job has burdens but it definitely gets hard when you don't actually like the job you /chose/ anymore. Which feels like some kind of deep sin when you're an entrepreneur like I literally picked a harder path because it was "my passion" and now I have the path but no passion LOL. I guess that's some identity stuff I still have to like maybe spend a little more time unpacking that even if you own your own biz it's okay to have it be "just a job".
If it helps, I don't consider myself a "writer" either, despite writing on Substack? LOL idk. And before I tried morning pages, I'd never kept a journal ever in my life even as a kid. It felt uncomfortable and super weird and my first sets of morning pages were just like "I don't know what to write, this feels super weird", but with practice it got easier to just write whatever was happening live in my brain and realizing how great that felt! I also like the 3 page duration because it forces me to keep going and sometimes it's in the 2nd or 3rd page I hit on like really nice ideas for myself or feel it hit the therapeutic stage where as the first page is just like "I'm tired/I am stressed about X thing today/I have to do LAUNDRY UGH." But even getting those trivial things out is really helpful. Some days are like "Wow, this was so helpful and I feel I learned some insights into my day/problem" and some days are like "well I complained about how much I hate chores for 3 whole pages and now I'll go proceed with my day".
Going to more meetups is definitely something I'm trying to work on. I used to be super into the business scene before covid, and to be honest, I have no interest in returning to those people and events (haha) there wasn't a huge values alignment, but there are lots of opportunities to like join groups that are more of interest to me. If I'm honest, I'm scared of people a bit because of the covid risk. And I haven't yet figured out how to make that jump to feeling comfortable to spend time with a set group of strangers indoors. I still don't often go to restaurants indoors. I do go to museums/fun stores with an N95 but I haven't really figured out what I feel comfortable with yet for real meetup groups. I know it would help me a lot though and help make friends (a hard thing as an adult...). I took an in-person art class in the Spring which had 5 other people in it but alas I didn't get along with anyone much (too much generational difference). I've been trying to take some online classes with live zoom classes but that's also not quite the same. But you've reminded me to go see if the Fall catalogue for classes at the recreation centre for art etc has gone live! Maybe there's something I can join with a small class size again!
Thank you so much for your absolutely lovely comment and support <3
Glad that you appreciated the comment. I always think about how much I love to get feedback from other people on content I put out into the world and it's easy to make low engagement hold you back from putting stuff out. Whenever I really resonate with something, I always try and let the author know — helps me feel more connected to people too. It's so easy to forget that there is a real human behind all the content we see every day. People put a lot of work into the content they create and it's good to acknowledge that. I know positive feedback helps motivate me to keep going on the harder weeks, so I want to do the same for others.
It really is — part of the reason why I'm considering going back to something part or full-time. Financially it might just be better for us at the moment, but that doesn't mean I have to give up freelancing entirely. I'm realizing that it's okay to step away and do something else for a while, it doesn't mean that I'm failing it just means that I want to explore other options. What you said about "my passion" is so true! When you are a business owner there are soooo many working parts to keep in line on top of doing the actual design work. One day, maybe I'll be able to outsource some of the extra stuff but right now, I just can't. I believe that running a design business centered around working with eco-focused people is what I'm supposed to be doing but it's also hard to work in that space all the time when the world is in flames. In order to run sustainable businesses ourselves we have to take care of our own mental, emotional, and physical health too. When we feel we need a break, then we should take one (if we can afford to, but it's a goal to not have to worry about that of course). Stepping into a new role might allow me to find my passion again and allow me to rest — especially when we are sitting better financially. The pressure is real when you feel like you have to take on certain projects just to make money. Being able to be more selective is something I want to work towards in the next year.
That does help, I know I need to find something that fits better for me and sub stack has felt like a safe space so far. I've also considered a newsletter, but that feels so daunting for some reason. Do you write on sub stack instead of doing a newsletter or do you do both? Thanks for your insight on your morning pages, I'm gonna have to try that out at some point. I don't mind laundry but we don't have a dishwasher, so dishes are my eternal nemesis and I'm always vividly aware when they are starting to stack up.
That's understandable and you have to find whatever works for you and whatever you are comfortable with. Maybe you could find a group that meets outside too? Going in with no expectations always allows me to experience the event for what it is. Put low pressure on what you want out of it and don't be afraid to walk away if it's not a good fit. You never know what types of other people will show up, so you've got to take them as they come. There are so many things happening around us and it's easy to do more research and find something else to try next time too. When you do find a good group or even one person that you really connect with, it makes it all worthwhile. Hoping you find something that works for you!
Yes, of course! As business owners (especially those with a focus on sustainability because climate anxiety is also all too real) we need to be there for one another, it's such a tough job and it's good to remind one another that we are not alone.
Feel free to connect in whatever way feels best for you, happy to jump on Zoom, calls, etc. I'll keep reading your content when I can as well. Wishing you all the best!
Side note before I reply, but just LOVE the essay-length comments we're writing back and forth right now hehe.
There are honestly so many benefits of in-house work. I really hate the idea that feels prevalent in the design/entrepreneur community where if you either go back to in-house work (partly, temporarily, or forever) it's somehow a "failing". Same with changing to do white label or subcontract work. The idea of managing my own projects still is like a pit in my stomach haha. Who knows if that will change. But working a job is really just about picking which negative aspects you can stomach the most personally. And freelancing has a lot of external stress: fest/famine payment cycles, a lot of invoicing/financials to worry about, putting yourself out there constantly to get clients - any time spent not working is "losing" money because it's all on you to make the business profitable. In house work provides a safety net around all of that. And comes with a little less flexibility/more routine but those aren't the toxic elements many people in the entrepreneur community make them out to be. It's also a bit hard when expressing burnout to some folks and I get met with "BUT You're SO GOOD AT DESIGN!" and it's like "yeah, I know it's something I have some good skills at. That doesn't change my burnout/apathy/anxiety/disinterest in it based on my experiences." Being talented at something isn't a like guaranteed ticket to enjoyment. And, I'll probably ramble more about this in my writings on ethical brand design, but am I proud of being good at making visual identities/packaging designs that function well under capitalism to sell shit? I don't know haha. I don't know that that's a skill I'm proud of.
I really love your perspective on having things be transitional too, based on what makes sense: perhaps some in-house work now, and returning to full-time freelancing if it makes sense. Even if I decide to work BTS for other folks for years, it's not like I can't return to handling brand projects later. Even if it's 3 years later. It's not like all my knowledge about managing projects will disappear into thin air after X amount of time passes.
I think your comment about struggling to work in sustainability / eco-conscious space while everything's literally on fire is hard. In our lives, we're having serious conversations about wild fire-safeing the family house that we'll eventually move into from our apartment, discussing availability of running water for the well on the site in future years with deeper drought and if a new well should be dug and just very serious climate-prevention tactics that are fairly stressful. Even this last week, we had a huge heatwave where it peaked at 40C / 104F. My computer barely was running as there's no AC common here. It's hard to keep up a positive stream of "We're doing our best! And here's some of the great options available for print design etc" when things feel locked in. I should probably write about this in another substack, something like "Staying sane when working in sustainability" haha. I've been leaning into naturalist hobbies and art to slow down and appreciate what's happening in the ecosystems around me in a slower and gentler and more intimate fashion. It helps ease the existential dread (about 95% of the time, and 5% of the time something happens that makes me feel sick like finding dead sea mammals at the beach poached by humans for their skulls but that's just living today, I guess.)
Re: Substack I've been just loving it here too! I don't write any other additional newsletter and I fully cancelled my fancy email system with automation and segmentation in flodesk because, well, I never liked it much, it never worked to bring clients/students to the course even with following everyone's "foolproof" email marketing automations (lol), and everytime I sent out an email there it stressed me out. I also really appreciate Substack is not just a method of sending emails like something like flodesk, it's a platform to connect with other creators too. I also enjoy seeing 0 ads on substack at all times. Small pleasures! I also like that instead of flodesk where you pay to use it, it's free with the potential to monetize it gently with small monthly payments in the future, if I ever choose or figure out how to do that in a way that feels natural and sustainable to me. I also have a much higher open-rate for emails than I did on flodeks (30% on Flodesk to 48-55% on Substack). So yeah, I'm team "no additional newsletter, only substack"! I only have so much energy and Substack doesn't drain it while every other platform I used before totally did. I get most of my new subscribers also from the Substack network actually instead of social media too (I'm not promoting it.). I did start off with a list of about 1,000 importing from Flodesk, but on my personal project, The Strandline, as long as I post regularly, I get trickles of subscribers just from the Substack network which is really cool to see! My friend Amy has said notes has been working as well to bring her new subscribers to her personal substack and I should give that a try too!
I feel you on the dishes v. laundry. We're lucky enough to have a little dishwasher, but our laundry is paid and communal in the apartment and I just hate dragging all my laundry through the halls to wash it in a different room. One day I'll have a laundry machine that's just mine and then dishes too will become my primary nemesis!
I should really try and find some naturalist groups I can join on the Island. I'm sure they must exist! After I replied to your comment the other day, I went and looked at all the catalogue for Fall for activities and there were some cool nature walk sessions you could sign up to but then you needed a car to get to all the locations so I was out of luck. But I'm sure that there are some more accessible to me, I just am not looking in the right places!
Thank you so much for this amazing comment again <3 I'm loving connecting deeper here!
OMG, just realized I'd put off responding and completely forgot about it. I love that we are sending such lengthy messages too. I'm not a skimmer at all and tend to be pretty wordy to make sure I get all my thoughts out, so I feel like this is going to be a great space for me.
I feel you there, I'm just trying to figure out what is best for me. If I feel less stressed with a more consistent income and can focus on being more selective on who I'm working with, I consider that a win. Oh gosh, yes! The idea that I'm not making money if I'm not working... that gets me a lot. For a long time, my work life balance was so bad — I've gotten much better but definitely still working on it. I hear you about being good design but feeling a bit icky about those skills being used to sell more stuff. That's why we focus on helping brands we care about right! All we can do is try and use our skills for good.
For sure, I've been doing quite a bit of outsourced work lately and it's been alright. The extra rounds of communication kinda kill me though — I often miss working directly with the client if I'm not in charge of project management. The skills are definitely still there if you step away and come back to full-time freelance. I'm doing a mix of my own projects and outsourced work right now, but am putting feelers out for other options. If I can pick up enough outside outsourced work, maybe I won't have to look for something full-time but you just don't know what is around the corner.
Yeah... staying sane-ish while working in sustainability. It was about the same temperature here the other week too! Crazy!! I'm honestly so ready for our rainy season. Everything is so dry here. I feel you on the no AC. Luckily we have two portable window units but there were a few days that they couldn't keep up. Then when the air quality is questionable I have to decide whether or not it is worth keeping them on at all. That sucks that your computer was struggling in the heat too. My car has no AC and my phone gets really hot when loading directions, so that's a struggle for me. Yes, spending time outside to slow down and feel grounded is helpful for me as well.
Okay, good to know. I signed up for a Mailer Lite account a while back but haven't gotten around to sending anything there and have a small email list started. I get email notifications from you and Amy's substacks, so I figured this might just take place of a newsletter. Thanks for your insight on your experience with both. I'm sure it will take some time to learn the new system between Substack and Notes, but I like it so far. Feels like people care more about every word in this space, so that feels better to me.
We used to have a dishwasher at our last rental, but when we moved we no longer have one. My husband and I both hate dishes too, but he hates them a lot more than me. Oooo, yeah dragging laundry around is the worst — we had to do that at two of our previous rentals in the Midwest. I've definitely enjoyed having our own washer dryer in the garage now, but the washer leaked the other day so we have to figure that out tomorrow.
For sure! Awe, that's awesome! I hope you find something that is a good fit for you! You've got this!
Yes, of course! I've enjoyed connecting with you as well! Maybe one day we will meet in person.
OMG, no worries about putting off responding. I always want to reply to everyone but it's chill whenever people fall off replying to me hehe. Writing back and forth to people totally takes time and energy and it's all good. I know I often fall into the trap of "wanting to reply properly" because I know I want to sit down and take time to think and write back and then sometimes the time to do that just slips away. So yeah totally understand no worries :D
I also really love the longform content opportunity that Substack provides. I kind of didn't realize how much I needed this longer outlet until I really started writing here instead of making mini posts on Instagram and then it just felt like a breathe of fresh air to be able to say everything I wanted to LOL. I definitely also feel that people care about every word in this space as well, and it's full of just really nice thoughtful people in my experience. And idk maybe I'm getting old but looking at Instagram makes me feel tired now haha. The average age on Substack seems to be older and I kinda like that (oh wow I sound like a cranky old person).
When I started this Substack I just uploaded all my subscribers from Flodesk and then sent out one email saying I'd switched platforms and what I wanted to do with the space, but honestly I don't even think that little like 'hey I switched' is truly necessary I just had about 1,000 emails I'd collected over the last 3 years so I felt like I should like signal so people could unsubscribe if they wanted to. I'd pretty much let the list rot so going from inactive to active was a big change and indeed a lot of people unsubbed (which is totally fine and actually I'm glad for it!).
Good luck with your washer! :D And yes! It would be so fun to host a meetup of some kind somehow!
Side note, I super think you should start your Substack ;) It's honestly very fun and rewarding to write: I feel I can write anything, as long or as short as I want! :D
Aug 28, 2023·edited Aug 28, 2023Liked by Emma Fanning
Thanks for the encouragement. I got one started, thanks for being my first subscriber. Not sure what I'm gonna write about yet, but I've got a list of ideas. Now just finding time in my schedule or just making it a higher priority. I appreciate your support! Thank you!
Lastly, are you spying on me because I came across this right after reading your thingy
https://austinkleon.com/2022/02/24/intentionally-spiraling-out/
Also, my penmanship is probably shit now so maybe writing those actual morning pages would be good practice hahaha
My writing is also SUPER ugly so you're in good company. When I started writing them my hand cramped after 0.5/3 pages XD
1. I like the idea of Morning Pages. I don't do it exactly but the first 30 mins I'm awake are totally phone free and news free. Sometimes I just sit in bed with my thoughts and let them run loose, other times I jot down a stray phrase or 2 in hopes that later I will remember what the hell I was talking about and can flesh it out by typing. I considered getting something purely for voice recording that doesn't have a screen so I'm not tempted to slip back into device-land.
2. Only reason I still have FB is because of the biz page connected to my IG (but now I honestly don't even remember why I needed it... maybe a scheduler I was using? idek...) and 1 design friend that lives in DMs there -_-
3. Awww Gab's little love notes in Figma <3 And being the head honcho is overrated when running a biz. Take shit off your plate, take a backseat. Not always running the show is sooooo nice.
4. That Seek app sounds dope! I've been into exploring joy for the past year or so. My framing around it has changed and I no longer just consider it what makes you superficially happy or make you smile. I won't ramble about it here but YAY TO JOY!
Welcome back and take your time easing into things
I can imagine you like a little investigative reporter speaking out your thoughts in the morning into a little recording device hehe.
I have a FB too but weirdly enough my FB is my least toxic social media platform. I follow like 3 people and a few naturalist pages and groups so generally its actually nice but there's almost no content there so I spent 0 time doomscrolling. I just check it out and then leave LOL.
I'd love to hear your rambles about joy some time! But I totally agree YAY TO JOY. A lot of this year has been reclaiming stuff I thought I couldn't "like" as an adult. It's been great!
Oh shoot you just reminded me I was a part of a bunch of groups on FB lol I should check and see if they are still active -_-
Hey Emma I love that you're doing morning pages because I'm too :D truly the most useful tool out of the book, aside from general reflections around journaling.
Hope you feel better soon, I relate a lot to the fear of doing the thing you used to be able to do easily. I'm glad substack is a long term goal and might get inspired by your leave from insta haha
I love morning pages! It was the best part of the Artist's way! I diligently completed 90% of the exercises but honestly I didn't get too much more out of them. Didn't suit me personally. I really love morning pages for helping me figure out stuff that's bothering me and stuff that I didn't even realize was bothering me!
I should know by Friday if I truly killed off the nasty little bacterias ruining my life for good this time haha! It's sort of a liminal space waiting to see if I get sick again. But I think this time I should be good. I honestly felt like leaving Insta would have to be this big affair where I post and make sure people know to come to Substack and yada yada and then when Insta started showing my posts to like 1% of my followers I was like FUCK IT WHO CARES. This app makes me miserable I'm just never coming back XD I check DMs occasionally on web browser (once or twice a week) but that's it. I made a list of all the accounts that I actually wanted to check up on (there were 20/350... lol) and bookmarked their accounts and now I just load up those tabs every now and then :) I also unfollowed everyone that didn't spark joy / was a random account because then if I do have to snoop back into the Instagram app for some moments at least my feed is attempted to be more peaceful.
Thank you for this, I really relate and am going to think about your tips! I too had started going back to the gym (well a yoga type class or swimming) after 4 years of no exercise only to be hit with illness. I'm so tired of cycling through short good periods and then burnout or illness :(. I'm on week 3 of a chest infection and my toddler is on something like week 5 or 6 of illness/chest infections.
I've turned down a few white label opportunities because *ego* wants to build my own business name hehe but you make such a valid point about the comfort that comes with not shouldering all the responsibility (I work part time in an agency). I know I need to quit instagram too, it takes too much energetically and barely gives back anything!
I hope you feel much better soon :)
Honestly it SUCKS to be in the burnout cycle with exercise. I also have been in/out of it since March. I also got a bad cold back in the spring and lost all my progress again and then had finally gotten on the bandwagon again and was feeling stronger than ever before and super happy about my progress and then BAM knocked back down again. My partner says it's always easier to build back progress than start it from scratch but it still feels emotionally hard and frustrating to have your goals like literally just reset because of something you couldn't control.
I also deeply understand the ego part of the work. I've kinda had to seriously reckon with myself over this a few times now. The first time, I totally was living the pure "ego" life for years: I had this like part time job/freelance contract who would fly me around North America for work, I was going to conferences, I had stuff to brag about when people asked me what was going on with my job. By all means, I had the "idealized successful entrepreneur life" but two things were true:
1. I was spending a LOT of money and hurting my financial future on a mirage of success
2. I was deeply overworked, had no "life", had no idea of what I liked to do or who I was as a person outside of work, and I was deeply unhappy and unsatisfied with what I was doing.
In some ways breaking that off was easy: I knew I hated travelling all the time and about a year after I "fired" that client / quit (the relationship was hazy haha), covid hit so I probably would have been fired anyway. It's been harder this time, with actually getting covid completely throwing off what I felt was a very successful and fulfilling career trajectory of both running the green design course very actively and working with biotech alt-protein startups for branding. The business was making more money than ever and I was saving more money than ever. And getting covid just absolutely threw a wrench in a whole year and I think if I'm being honest it's easy to say "white labelling is cool and fun and easy now!" but I'm still processing and grieving I think some of those goals that I think I just don't have the capacity for any more. Especially in relation to the course I made and how much time and energy I can give to it. I have ideas for directions continuing in education for green design (definitely through this space and then offshoots) but I am deeply sad to realize that in some ways my life won't return to how it was before and accept that that is legitimately okay and it's okay to alter or shift big life goals. Easier said than done :')
I've been meaning to reply for ages, so sorry about that. I really appreciate that you have wrote such an in depth and honest/personal reply! I hope you are feeling a bit better these past few weeks since this though :)
Gosh yes your experience about doing something because it looked impressive but isn't actually making you happy goes to show doesn't it!
I'm sure you will get things back on track even if the path and destination is slightly different - your course is fantastic so in depth and great value for all that you provide too. And it's also totally valid to grieve a bit that things were forced to change.
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I wish you a good recovery and hope you’ll feel better soon!
Thank you so much Sara <3 I super hope that I've kicked this bacterial thing for good this time haha. I can't handle another round of antibiotics LOL.
What beautiful and honest writing Emma. Sorry to hear you are struggling with burnout, it is truly the worst. Being a business owner is a LOT to manage and I've certainly gone through tough periods myself. So much so that I've considered getting a full-time job and freelancing on the side for a bit more times than I can count. With student loans looming in the back of my mind at all times, even more so.
I've found that even working on projects that I enjoy can lead to burnout, especially when I overbooked myself a few months back. I'm finally starting to feel caught up and it really drained my motivation and energy.
Sounds like you have found some methods that work for you to get out of the rutt and I love the idea of morning pages — I don't consider myself to be a writer but there is always a lot on my mind throughout the day.
Spending time in nature has always been my happy place, so I always try to be intentional about stepping away from the screens and getting outside whenever possible.
Also forcing myself to do things with other people since I often work from home alone most days. Going to at least one social even each month — could be volunteering at a community garden, professional networking, design meetup, popup event, really anything that sparks your interest. By being brave and getting out of my introverted bubble I've found that I can push out of my comfort zone and find joy in the little victory of putting myself out there. Sometimes these events lead to work, new friends, professional connections, or just good conversations. You might not find a group that fits for you every time but getting out there helps me feel proud that I accomplished something and pushed past my anxieties. If I'm being honest, it also helps me feel like I'm not alone, especially going to events with other business owners.
Thanks for putting this together and pushing yourself to publish. You are not alone and you are doing great things. Just take it one day at a time.
Aw thank you so much Renee. I honestly was writing this and was like "Well, I feel I can't say what I really want to but hopefully this is close enough" so your comment really made me feel happy and emotional!
Being a business owner seriously is a huge shoulder of responsibility, and usually you know, it's okay: every job has burdens but it definitely gets hard when you don't actually like the job you /chose/ anymore. Which feels like some kind of deep sin when you're an entrepreneur like I literally picked a harder path because it was "my passion" and now I have the path but no passion LOL. I guess that's some identity stuff I still have to like maybe spend a little more time unpacking that even if you own your own biz it's okay to have it be "just a job".
If it helps, I don't consider myself a "writer" either, despite writing on Substack? LOL idk. And before I tried morning pages, I'd never kept a journal ever in my life even as a kid. It felt uncomfortable and super weird and my first sets of morning pages were just like "I don't know what to write, this feels super weird", but with practice it got easier to just write whatever was happening live in my brain and realizing how great that felt! I also like the 3 page duration because it forces me to keep going and sometimes it's in the 2nd or 3rd page I hit on like really nice ideas for myself or feel it hit the therapeutic stage where as the first page is just like "I'm tired/I am stressed about X thing today/I have to do LAUNDRY UGH." But even getting those trivial things out is really helpful. Some days are like "Wow, this was so helpful and I feel I learned some insights into my day/problem" and some days are like "well I complained about how much I hate chores for 3 whole pages and now I'll go proceed with my day".
Going to more meetups is definitely something I'm trying to work on. I used to be super into the business scene before covid, and to be honest, I have no interest in returning to those people and events (haha) there wasn't a huge values alignment, but there are lots of opportunities to like join groups that are more of interest to me. If I'm honest, I'm scared of people a bit because of the covid risk. And I haven't yet figured out how to make that jump to feeling comfortable to spend time with a set group of strangers indoors. I still don't often go to restaurants indoors. I do go to museums/fun stores with an N95 but I haven't really figured out what I feel comfortable with yet for real meetup groups. I know it would help me a lot though and help make friends (a hard thing as an adult...). I took an in-person art class in the Spring which had 5 other people in it but alas I didn't get along with anyone much (too much generational difference). I've been trying to take some online classes with live zoom classes but that's also not quite the same. But you've reminded me to go see if the Fall catalogue for classes at the recreation centre for art etc has gone live! Maybe there's something I can join with a small class size again!
Thank you so much for your absolutely lovely comment and support <3
Glad that you appreciated the comment. I always think about how much I love to get feedback from other people on content I put out into the world and it's easy to make low engagement hold you back from putting stuff out. Whenever I really resonate with something, I always try and let the author know — helps me feel more connected to people too. It's so easy to forget that there is a real human behind all the content we see every day. People put a lot of work into the content they create and it's good to acknowledge that. I know positive feedback helps motivate me to keep going on the harder weeks, so I want to do the same for others.
It really is — part of the reason why I'm considering going back to something part or full-time. Financially it might just be better for us at the moment, but that doesn't mean I have to give up freelancing entirely. I'm realizing that it's okay to step away and do something else for a while, it doesn't mean that I'm failing it just means that I want to explore other options. What you said about "my passion" is so true! When you are a business owner there are soooo many working parts to keep in line on top of doing the actual design work. One day, maybe I'll be able to outsource some of the extra stuff but right now, I just can't. I believe that running a design business centered around working with eco-focused people is what I'm supposed to be doing but it's also hard to work in that space all the time when the world is in flames. In order to run sustainable businesses ourselves we have to take care of our own mental, emotional, and physical health too. When we feel we need a break, then we should take one (if we can afford to, but it's a goal to not have to worry about that of course). Stepping into a new role might allow me to find my passion again and allow me to rest — especially when we are sitting better financially. The pressure is real when you feel like you have to take on certain projects just to make money. Being able to be more selective is something I want to work towards in the next year.
That does help, I know I need to find something that fits better for me and sub stack has felt like a safe space so far. I've also considered a newsletter, but that feels so daunting for some reason. Do you write on sub stack instead of doing a newsletter or do you do both? Thanks for your insight on your morning pages, I'm gonna have to try that out at some point. I don't mind laundry but we don't have a dishwasher, so dishes are my eternal nemesis and I'm always vividly aware when they are starting to stack up.
That's understandable and you have to find whatever works for you and whatever you are comfortable with. Maybe you could find a group that meets outside too? Going in with no expectations always allows me to experience the event for what it is. Put low pressure on what you want out of it and don't be afraid to walk away if it's not a good fit. You never know what types of other people will show up, so you've got to take them as they come. There are so many things happening around us and it's easy to do more research and find something else to try next time too. When you do find a good group or even one person that you really connect with, it makes it all worthwhile. Hoping you find something that works for you!
Yes, of course! As business owners (especially those with a focus on sustainability because climate anxiety is also all too real) we need to be there for one another, it's such a tough job and it's good to remind one another that we are not alone.
Feel free to connect in whatever way feels best for you, happy to jump on Zoom, calls, etc. I'll keep reading your content when I can as well. Wishing you all the best!
Side note before I reply, but just LOVE the essay-length comments we're writing back and forth right now hehe.
There are honestly so many benefits of in-house work. I really hate the idea that feels prevalent in the design/entrepreneur community where if you either go back to in-house work (partly, temporarily, or forever) it's somehow a "failing". Same with changing to do white label or subcontract work. The idea of managing my own projects still is like a pit in my stomach haha. Who knows if that will change. But working a job is really just about picking which negative aspects you can stomach the most personally. And freelancing has a lot of external stress: fest/famine payment cycles, a lot of invoicing/financials to worry about, putting yourself out there constantly to get clients - any time spent not working is "losing" money because it's all on you to make the business profitable. In house work provides a safety net around all of that. And comes with a little less flexibility/more routine but those aren't the toxic elements many people in the entrepreneur community make them out to be. It's also a bit hard when expressing burnout to some folks and I get met with "BUT You're SO GOOD AT DESIGN!" and it's like "yeah, I know it's something I have some good skills at. That doesn't change my burnout/apathy/anxiety/disinterest in it based on my experiences." Being talented at something isn't a like guaranteed ticket to enjoyment. And, I'll probably ramble more about this in my writings on ethical brand design, but am I proud of being good at making visual identities/packaging designs that function well under capitalism to sell shit? I don't know haha. I don't know that that's a skill I'm proud of.
I really love your perspective on having things be transitional too, based on what makes sense: perhaps some in-house work now, and returning to full-time freelancing if it makes sense. Even if I decide to work BTS for other folks for years, it's not like I can't return to handling brand projects later. Even if it's 3 years later. It's not like all my knowledge about managing projects will disappear into thin air after X amount of time passes.
I think your comment about struggling to work in sustainability / eco-conscious space while everything's literally on fire is hard. In our lives, we're having serious conversations about wild fire-safeing the family house that we'll eventually move into from our apartment, discussing availability of running water for the well on the site in future years with deeper drought and if a new well should be dug and just very serious climate-prevention tactics that are fairly stressful. Even this last week, we had a huge heatwave where it peaked at 40C / 104F. My computer barely was running as there's no AC common here. It's hard to keep up a positive stream of "We're doing our best! And here's some of the great options available for print design etc" when things feel locked in. I should probably write about this in another substack, something like "Staying sane when working in sustainability" haha. I've been leaning into naturalist hobbies and art to slow down and appreciate what's happening in the ecosystems around me in a slower and gentler and more intimate fashion. It helps ease the existential dread (about 95% of the time, and 5% of the time something happens that makes me feel sick like finding dead sea mammals at the beach poached by humans for their skulls but that's just living today, I guess.)
Re: Substack I've been just loving it here too! I don't write any other additional newsletter and I fully cancelled my fancy email system with automation and segmentation in flodesk because, well, I never liked it much, it never worked to bring clients/students to the course even with following everyone's "foolproof" email marketing automations (lol), and everytime I sent out an email there it stressed me out. I also really appreciate Substack is not just a method of sending emails like something like flodesk, it's a platform to connect with other creators too. I also enjoy seeing 0 ads on substack at all times. Small pleasures! I also like that instead of flodesk where you pay to use it, it's free with the potential to monetize it gently with small monthly payments in the future, if I ever choose or figure out how to do that in a way that feels natural and sustainable to me. I also have a much higher open-rate for emails than I did on flodeks (30% on Flodesk to 48-55% on Substack). So yeah, I'm team "no additional newsletter, only substack"! I only have so much energy and Substack doesn't drain it while every other platform I used before totally did. I get most of my new subscribers also from the Substack network actually instead of social media too (I'm not promoting it.). I did start off with a list of about 1,000 importing from Flodesk, but on my personal project, The Strandline, as long as I post regularly, I get trickles of subscribers just from the Substack network which is really cool to see! My friend Amy has said notes has been working as well to bring her new subscribers to her personal substack and I should give that a try too!
I feel you on the dishes v. laundry. We're lucky enough to have a little dishwasher, but our laundry is paid and communal in the apartment and I just hate dragging all my laundry through the halls to wash it in a different room. One day I'll have a laundry machine that's just mine and then dishes too will become my primary nemesis!
I should really try and find some naturalist groups I can join on the Island. I'm sure they must exist! After I replied to your comment the other day, I went and looked at all the catalogue for Fall for activities and there were some cool nature walk sessions you could sign up to but then you needed a car to get to all the locations so I was out of luck. But I'm sure that there are some more accessible to me, I just am not looking in the right places!
Thank you so much for this amazing comment again <3 I'm loving connecting deeper here!
OMG, just realized I'd put off responding and completely forgot about it. I love that we are sending such lengthy messages too. I'm not a skimmer at all and tend to be pretty wordy to make sure I get all my thoughts out, so I feel like this is going to be a great space for me.
I feel you there, I'm just trying to figure out what is best for me. If I feel less stressed with a more consistent income and can focus on being more selective on who I'm working with, I consider that a win. Oh gosh, yes! The idea that I'm not making money if I'm not working... that gets me a lot. For a long time, my work life balance was so bad — I've gotten much better but definitely still working on it. I hear you about being good design but feeling a bit icky about those skills being used to sell more stuff. That's why we focus on helping brands we care about right! All we can do is try and use our skills for good.
For sure, I've been doing quite a bit of outsourced work lately and it's been alright. The extra rounds of communication kinda kill me though — I often miss working directly with the client if I'm not in charge of project management. The skills are definitely still there if you step away and come back to full-time freelance. I'm doing a mix of my own projects and outsourced work right now, but am putting feelers out for other options. If I can pick up enough outside outsourced work, maybe I won't have to look for something full-time but you just don't know what is around the corner.
Yeah... staying sane-ish while working in sustainability. It was about the same temperature here the other week too! Crazy!! I'm honestly so ready for our rainy season. Everything is so dry here. I feel you on the no AC. Luckily we have two portable window units but there were a few days that they couldn't keep up. Then when the air quality is questionable I have to decide whether or not it is worth keeping them on at all. That sucks that your computer was struggling in the heat too. My car has no AC and my phone gets really hot when loading directions, so that's a struggle for me. Yes, spending time outside to slow down and feel grounded is helpful for me as well.
Okay, good to know. I signed up for a Mailer Lite account a while back but haven't gotten around to sending anything there and have a small email list started. I get email notifications from you and Amy's substacks, so I figured this might just take place of a newsletter. Thanks for your insight on your experience with both. I'm sure it will take some time to learn the new system between Substack and Notes, but I like it so far. Feels like people care more about every word in this space, so that feels better to me.
We used to have a dishwasher at our last rental, but when we moved we no longer have one. My husband and I both hate dishes too, but he hates them a lot more than me. Oooo, yeah dragging laundry around is the worst — we had to do that at two of our previous rentals in the Midwest. I've definitely enjoyed having our own washer dryer in the garage now, but the washer leaked the other day so we have to figure that out tomorrow.
For sure! Awe, that's awesome! I hope you find something that is a good fit for you! You've got this!
Yes, of course! I've enjoyed connecting with you as well! Maybe one day we will meet in person.
OMG, no worries about putting off responding. I always want to reply to everyone but it's chill whenever people fall off replying to me hehe. Writing back and forth to people totally takes time and energy and it's all good. I know I often fall into the trap of "wanting to reply properly" because I know I want to sit down and take time to think and write back and then sometimes the time to do that just slips away. So yeah totally understand no worries :D
I also really love the longform content opportunity that Substack provides. I kind of didn't realize how much I needed this longer outlet until I really started writing here instead of making mini posts on Instagram and then it just felt like a breathe of fresh air to be able to say everything I wanted to LOL. I definitely also feel that people care about every word in this space as well, and it's full of just really nice thoughtful people in my experience. And idk maybe I'm getting old but looking at Instagram makes me feel tired now haha. The average age on Substack seems to be older and I kinda like that (oh wow I sound like a cranky old person).
When I started this Substack I just uploaded all my subscribers from Flodesk and then sent out one email saying I'd switched platforms and what I wanted to do with the space, but honestly I don't even think that little like 'hey I switched' is truly necessary I just had about 1,000 emails I'd collected over the last 3 years so I felt like I should like signal so people could unsubscribe if they wanted to. I'd pretty much let the list rot so going from inactive to active was a big change and indeed a lot of people unsubbed (which is totally fine and actually I'm glad for it!).
Good luck with your washer! :D And yes! It would be so fun to host a meetup of some kind somehow!
Thanks again for all your insight Emma. I’ve enjoyed our conversation and look forward to staying connected.
Ah thanks, fingers crossed it’s an easy fix. For sure!
Side note, I super think you should start your Substack ;) It's honestly very fun and rewarding to write: I feel I can write anything, as long or as short as I want! :D
Thanks for the encouragement. I got one started, thanks for being my first subscriber. Not sure what I'm gonna write about yet, but I've got a list of ideas. Now just finding time in my schedule or just making it a higher priority. I appreciate your support! Thank you!